Why Your Team Sucks 2017: New Orleans Saints

1) As I understand it, the owner receives more direct taxpayer support than probably the entire state educational system combined. Each time he utters the name “San Antonio” the state digs up more millions to shovel his way.
2) Despite being the land of gumbo gumbo jambalaya, the stadium food remains in the atrocious to mediocre range while somehow costing vast fortunes (see #2). Any given Sunday I could choose between redfish almandine with brabant potatoes and a fine cocktail at Galatoire’s or lukewarm “Dome dogs” and generic light beer. Same price.
3) This division. This division is so strangely horrible. It’s basically the Big 12 where some random team (not the Saints) gets to be Oklahoma that year and everyone else is Kansas. Except for 2009 (a season discussed daily by Saints fans) the Saints are . . . I don’t know . . . Leach-era Texas Tech where they are going to mess up someone’s season while struggling to approach bowl eligible. Yet this division keeps sending teams to (lose in) Super Bowls, and I pity the entire country for having to witness this.
4) In the 2014 season, my coworkers decided I had somehow cursed the Saints. So, before a Monday night game against Baltimore, they took me into the Quarter to try to find a voodoo priestess who could lift the curse. Most informed us that “the voodoo gods don’t care about football,” which was hard to believe, and then finally one of them offered to make a doll that would fix the curse. The price was $500 plus some of my “essence” (never clarified, but HIGHLY INTRIGUING). My coworkers were unwilling to front the bill, which calls into question their dedication. Drew Brees went on that evening to put up 420 yards and 3 TD passes in a game that, of course, the Saints LOST, depriving Brees of the chance to have a win against every team in the NFL. Again, defense (and good juju) is very important.
5) I can’t tolerate hearing the phrase “Bountygate” one more time. Saints fandom is a religion. One pillar of that religion is that Roger Goodell spends most of his waking moments finding innovative and increasingly surreptitious ways to make this team lose. Just wait until the Saints are sitting at 2-4, and the talk around town will be that Goodell personally sabotaged the city’s pumping stations the week before preseason games to facilitate flooding that would distract the team from playing good football.
6) This season Saints will play the Rams, Jets, and Bills. The Saints could score a combined 159 points in those three games and lose them all.
SOURCE - DEADSPIN posted by Campus94Me