Highly rich men in suits competitively waggling their wallets | The Fiver

There is no lazier, more tedious entry into a conversation than recollections of children’s telly. So this being The Fiver and all that, it’s time for Jackanory. Once upon a time in a land not too far from here, there was a game known as association football. It has existed in one form or another for many centuries, and roughly speaking involves the terrifically important pursuit of two teams trying to relocate a pig’s bladder into the goal of the other. In the course of such activity, and through the enthusiasm, dedication and sacrifice of local people, association football clubs were formed and came to represent local identity and pride – so beautifully as to turn many of them into national treasures and world-renowned institutions. But really, this is but a long-winded, highfalutin way of describing bawdy behaviour and gallivanting gadabouting. Through association football, working people can relax, release and intoxicate to excess on various modes of transport – or, put another way, find respite from the business of working for rich men in suits. Performed correctly, this is the finest activity known to mankind.
Needless to say, such effrontery could not stand; the rich men in suits simply could not tolerate pleasure exercised without their consent, such political correctness gone mad. So, to save the many they colonised control into the hands of the few; thus could the pursuit be permitted to continue – until such time as now. Because sadly, the game of association football has become outdated. In these contemporary times of levity and security, who can possibly need solace in watching highly skilled athletes participate in the world’s most consuming, compelling pastime when there is thrill to be taken watching highly rich men in suits competitively waggling their wallets. No activity is so portentous, so dripping with history.
Which is why, today, the brave pioneers from Spain’s La Liga endowed us with their sacrifice: they plan to relieve their fellow countrymen of the football which is theirs, in order to sell it, in order to earn money, in order to showcase the artistry of their dealmaking for this is the true purpose of association football. Because nothing supplies greater joy than this, the rich men in suits, so emotionally emasculated by modern society and its pretence of equality, allowed to experience self-worth once more by expropriating the moral property of others and let us say amen.
This important work is but the culmination of a summer’s crusading. First, La Liga stood strong against a man daring to exercise a clause in his own contract in order to work for a boss of his choice while living in a country of his choice; and then, it nobly cried out for the rules of financial fair play whose spirit it has cherished and protected ever since the days of General Franco, through Real Madrid selling its training ground to the local council and the honouring of its three biggest clubs with transfer embargoes. In so doing they sacrifice themselves for the benefit of all humanity, for there is nothing the good folk of Guangzhou thirst for more than the historic crunch fixture that is Eibar v Alavés, nothing that Richard Scudamore, self-styled “man of belief” – nay, a complete and utter “man of belief” – needs more than Real Madrid v Barcelona, at Turf Moor. And the rich men in suits all lived happily ever after.

“Chester Football Club wishes to invite applications from suitably qualified professionals for the position of First Team Manager” – the National League side post a job ad on Twitter.
“Wow, an awful lot of people play Football Manager don’t they” – the National League side perhaps wish they hadn’t posted a job ad on Twitter.
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“After the news in The Fiver yesterday on the Premier League transfer window closing at the start of the season how soon before some some clubs panic and demand their season ends before the window opens?” – Pat McDonagh.
“It’s only the second week of September but already the Gooners’ season has gone up in flames. I blame Arsène-ists” – Mark McFadden.
“So Sutton United goalkeeper Wayne Shaw gets fined for Eating a Pie, as a bookie had offered odds that he would do so on camera and thus he influenced the outcome of said bet. Would he also have been fined if, when the Pie was proffered he declined it, as that would have also influenced the outcome of the bet? To test this I’ve contacted a bookie and (purely coincidentally) he has offered similar 8-1 odds against you publishing this letter” – Rod de Lisle.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter of the day prize – a copy of the very good The Title: The Story of the First Division, written by Big Website’s very own Scott Murray is … Pat McDonagh. Send us your address and we’ll send you a book. We’ve got one copy left to give away, so get scribbling.

Via the medium of weary mumble Slaven Bilic has dismissed claims by Taxpayers FC owner Golivan that he passed up the chance to sign Renato Sanches. “He likes to talk,” he sighed. He further inched his way towards the door marked Do One by saying he found the “Dildo Brothers” comment “funny”.
Vincent Kompany has been fit for far too long, so he’s put that right by sitting out Manchester City’s match against Liverpool with calf-ouch. Meanwhile, Philippe Coutinho is not in Liverpool’s squad because belting out come-and-get-me pleas to Barcelona doesn’t help you get match fit, apparently. “He didn’t want to just play 15 minutes,” blathered Jürgen Klopp.
Fifa has opened a disciplinary investigation into Dele Alli’s middle-finger bantz during England’s 2-1 victory over Slovakia.
Vincent Janssen is set for a season-long loan at Fenerbahce, where he’ll be able to have red-hot cathartic chats with Roberto Soldado about what it’s like to be a Spurs outcast.
And Montpellier have apologised to fans after thousands of replica and first-team shirts had the club’s name mispelled in the badge. “MHSC has indeed been the victim of a logo error on a series of shirts put on sale,” sniffed a club suit. “On presentation of your shirt at the club store or the Nike store in Montpellier, you can instantly have your logo replaced.”
The Football Weekly Extra podders preview the Premier League’s return so you don’t have to.
Leicester going back to basics, Chris Hughton easing off the handbrake and eight other things Daniel Harris reckons you should look out for as the Premier League returns.

From Renato Sanches at Swansea (it still sounds weird) to Ezequiel Schelotto at Brighton, Jack Kinnersley has the 411 on five Premier League arrivals that could make their debuts this weekend.

The Premier League hype machine is always turned up to 11 but Barney Ronay can’t help but be excited at the prospect of Pep Guardiola’s Manchester City taking on Jürgen Klopp’s Liverpool.

The English top flight will close the transfer window early next summer but will the rest of Europe, who have never previously had cause to question Britain’s judgment, follow suit? A host of Euro experts (but curiously not our Spanish cousin, Juan de la Juan de la Juan de la Juan Straw Donkey Acoustic Guitar Olé Olé Olé Eldorado Sun Sea Sand Dust Fiver) give us their take …
… and Big Paper’s Martha Kelner thinks the Premier League’s decision is brave, but risks being ruined by the continent’s unscrupulous elite.

Perhaps mindful of bumping into Tony Pulis at the Amex on Saturday, Brighton’s Liam Rosenior is full of admiration for the West Brom manager in this week’s column.
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SOURCE : GUARDIAN SPORTS
posted by CAMPUS94