The Fiver | Even yarg has its uses. Nutritionally imperfect, but ever so tasty

What a confusing time this is to play for Leicester. In February the players engineered the sacking of an unpopular manager, and in October they failed to avert the sacking of a popular one. So what exactly is going on? Are their opinions important or are they not? What is their role in this world? And what is the answer to life, the universe and everything?
The team’s caretaker manager, Michael Appleton, described the players as “a bit down in the dumps” because “the feeling within the camp is that there wasn’t much wrong”. Not much wrong, that is, unless you count results, and factor in Leicester’s run of three points from six winless league games. “People were disappointed and wanted questions answering, but I’m not the person for that,” he concluded.
He also said the team was “cheesed off”. Perhaps this gets to the heart of the matter. Back in April Danny Simpson talked about one of the issues that first turned the players against popular bell-ringing Italian title-winner Ranieri. “After games, we would have chicken burgers and potato wedges and then he changed them to sweet potatoes and pasta,” he whined. “I understand his point but the lads liked what we were used to, chicken and wedges.” This, clearly, is a squad that takes its food seriously. With menus, if not managers, they always resist change.
So could this be what the players meant when they talked about being cheesed off? Perhaps, following Shakespeare’s sacking, they are no longer being given cheese. The cheese is off. If this is the case, the Fiver can understand their upset. Cheese, after all, is great. Particularly, say, a decent pecorino, or some creamy taleggio. Even yarg has its uses. Nutritionally imperfect, but ever so tasty.

This whole fuss recalls the delicious story concerning Felix Magath’s time at Fulham, when the manager suggested to Brede Hangeland that he might like to spread cream cheese upon his dead leg as a recovery aid. “I merely suggested it could be worth trying applying quark cheese to the injured area,” the German later said. “These false stories are rubbish. I would never tell a doctor what to do. A world-class player in the mould of Michael Ballack or Raúl would never ever make such statements.” Mmmmm … world-class mould. Dolcelatte. Stilton. Roquefort. Magath has a point, those are excellent cheeses.
Perhaps Leicester’s players have been benefiting from a similar regimen to Fulham’s back in the day. Now the cheese is off, and they’re worried about the potential damage to their groins and hamstrings. As medicine goes, though, this is not so much quackery as quarkery. Mmmmm … crackery. Such fine accompaniment to a good cheese. Though the Fiver is led to believe that walnut bread also works well.
So Leicester are once more plunged into crisis, lost in a managerless fog, their players bewildered. Appleton said there would be “conversations over the coming days” between the squad and the board, and the club suits will doubtless find them extremely awkward. After all, in the Leicester dressing room they only like one kind of board, and it’s got cheese on it. Like a mature cheddar the Foxes have been in a pickle before, but this – like, say, a ripe brie – surely takes the biscuit.
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“We did not see it, but we read and heard about it. It really helped, it’s welcome but I think Leo helped us a little more than then witch. I respect any kind of belief but we have not crossed this man” – Javier Mascherano thanks the “healer” supposedly brought in to transmit positive energy to the Argentina side before their crucial World Cup qualifying victory against Ecuador in Quito, in which Messi scored a hat-trick.
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“Sorry to dash his dreams but I (and 1,057 other social media disgrace pendants) feel compelled to point out to Allastair McGillivray that he is not ‘friends’ with Andrew Durante (yesterday’s Fiver) and is not LinkedIn with his Dad. Whilst his connection to football glory might be tenous - he is ‘connected’ [on LinkedIn] to both Andrew and his father” – Graham Haslam

“I would like to strongly complain at Allastair McGillivray’s jinxing of New Zealand defender and Wellington Phoenix skipper Andrew Durante in yesterday’s Fiver. Captain Dura has been ruled out for eight weeks with adductor twang, meaning that Mr McGillivray is now exactly as close to international football glory as his LinkedIn pal. Could Mr McGillivray please follow Peru’s Paolo Guerrero, Edson Flores and Christian Ramos on LinkedIn to even it up a bit?” – John Palethorpe
“Everybody is understandably happy about no matches being scheduled on Christmas Eve, but meanwhile Man City fans are yet again being shafted on New Year’s Eve. After last year, when our match at Anfield was moved to 5.30pm on NYE, this year our fixture at Palace has been shifted from the 30th to the 31st at midday. I mean, who wants to be out partying when you can be battling with holiday rail schedules to get home?” – John Caley

“I’m surprised you didn’t mention that Luis Suárez is partial to in-match dining (yesterday’s Fiver). With regard to Popeye, you assert that he ate spinach from tins because spinach capsules didn’t exit in the 1930s. Notwithstanding that this statement doesn’t make any sense (nothing new there) my extensive enquiries at Boots, Superdrug and Holland & Barrett reveal that they are unaware that spinach capsules even entered the market let alone exited it. You will be gratified to know that they were impressed by The Fiver’s knowledge of the subject” – Mike Hollis

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Jürgen Klopp has got into the Christmas spirit early and thanked Sky for not ruining his festivities. “To be honest I don’t know when it last happened, that somebody could take something but did not take it, because of common sense,” the Liverpool manage cheered.
Carlisle’s Shaun Miller has become the first player to be retrospectively punished for diving, somehow beating Watford’s Richarlison to the dubious honour.
Roma have been charged by Uefa over alleged monkey chants towards Chelsea’s Antonio Rüdiger.
The Everton fan who decided to get involved in Europa League fisticuffs by launching a punch in the direction of the Lyon goalkeeper – while holding a child – has been banned from Goodison Park for life.
Romelu Lukaku better bagsy his place on the bench because José Mourinho says that man Zlatan could be back playing again in December.
And Juan Mata’s Common Goal project has got its first British advocates – Alfie Mawson and Charlie Daniels.

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