The Fiver | Ghoulish capacity for calculated self-sabotage

Having spent 17 months living alone in a suite at Manchester’s Lowry Hotel, José Mourinho occasionally leaves The Fiver wondering how much like Alan Partridge he has become, as the solitude of his hotel existence takes its inevitable toll. The one-time BBC chatshow host-turned North Norfolk Digital presenter famously descended into something approaching madness while spending 182 days residing in a Linton Travel Tavern that was equidistant between London and Norwich.
And while we wouldn’t dream of troubling the Fiver Lawyers with suggestions that Mourinho might be losing the plot, it really isn’t difficult to imagine him wandering down to breakfast with his 12-inch plate, passing the time dismantling his Corby Trouser Press and then muttering conspiratorially when unable to put it back together. Indeed, this being Halloween, he may well have set aside some time to terrorise staff by dressing as a zombie, Partridge-style: shower hat, curtain and bath-mat combo, set off with a mini-kettle flex as a tail, complimentary biscuits taped to his cheeks to represent flaky skin, tungsten tipped screws for claws and ketchup smeared on his chin for added gore. “I’m not a zombie! I’m José Mourinho!”
Before all that bloodcurdling japery, however, there’s work to do. Manchester United take on Benfica at Old Trafford and José has prepared for the game by apparently trolling his own team’s fans for the second time in less than a week with some classic passive aggression. Having criticised the Old Trafford faithful for not showing Romelu Lukaku enough love, the United boss has followed up with another thinly-veiled barb in the match programme for Tuesday evening’s game. “I hope tonight we can do just as good a job, take another big step towards the knockout stages of [Big Cup] and I hope that you enjoy the game more than some of you did against Tottenham,” he wrote.
Of course the alternative view that nobody appears to be considering is that José genuinely hopes United’s paying customers have a more entertaining 90 minutes of action than those they were forced to endure in their side’s most recent exercise in tedium, but has become so mired in cynicism that every single utterance that comes out of his mouth is analysed to within an inch of its life for some hidden subtext, whether it’s there or not. It being Halloween, strange things happen … but not that strange. We have been here before with José, whose ghoulish capacity for calculated self-sabotage is well documented. He’s up to something, but the question on everyone’s lips is what, exactly? Well, that and when exactly will he release United’s supporters from their purgatory and head off to bore PSG fans instead?
Join Barry Glendenning from 7.45pm GMT for hot MBM coverage of Roma 2-2 Chelsea, while Scott Murray will be on hand for Manchester United 2-1 Benfica and Niall McVeigh will be helming The Queen’s Celtic 1-4 Bayern Munich.
“There’s no England badge in the picture of them winning the World Cup – for me, that’s wrong. They’ve all turned their shirts around because they want their names across their chests, so everybody across the world can see who they are. They’re all saying, ‘I’m a good young player coming through, look at me’, but that in itself is what is wrong with society” – not all takes are equal, as Danny Murphy on the England U-17s’ celebrations shows [also failing to see the England badge on their shorts in said picture – Fiver Ed].
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“I, like you, am a bit giddy at England’s ankle-biters winning FisherPrice World Cup (yesterday’s Fiver), and it will indeed be the ‘hope’ that inevitably does for us all once again, some time around 2024. However, you truly lost the run of yourself in the bit of reverie where you imagined ‘the world’s finest coaches undertaking regular pilgrimages to St George’s Park with the aim of picking up some pointers’. What are they going to learn? How to install a natty 3G pitch under which all the utter shambles can be brushed while swaggering pompously in and out of Select Committee hearings? I think you’ll find Sepp and co laid the groundwork for the rest of the world decades ago on that front. Ah well, back to the drawing board” – Harkarn Sumal.
“So, Malky ‘B@nter’ Mackay has called up eight uncapped players and Shortbread McFiver to the latest Scotland squad (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs). Using Fiver logic (?), this means McFiver must have been capped at some point? How small is he? This explains a lot about our recent results” – Stuart McLagan.

Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Stuart McLagan.
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Liverpool’s Dejan Lovren has rightly called out the despicable death threats made against his family on Instagram. “Horrible what kind of people we have,” he said. “I don’t mind when people talk sh!t about me, it says more about them!”
Álvaro Morata has gone a tad overboard in stating his commitment to Chelsea after calling London “stressful” in an Italian interview. “I wanted to say in the future, when I finish my career, I probably won’t live in London, but right now I’m very happy there with my wife … If Chelsea had proposed a 10-year contract I would have signed it,” he honked.
Harry Kane ran around a bit on Tuesday morning so he may be fit in time for Tottenham’s Big Cup clash with Real Madrid. “His internal motivation is higher now, to try to compete at his best level,” cheered Mauricio Pochettino. “It’s true, he’s disappointed too that he’s not at his best. But it’s coming, like the winter is coming.”
Fans will have to remove belts before entering the Stadio san Paolo for Napoli’s match against Manchester City following a recent attack involving gut-holsters.

The A-League and W-League will trial flamin’ cards for managers in an attempt to highlight how much irate nonsense refs have to put up with from the touchlines. “It will send a strong message throughout the game at grassroots level that poor behaviour towards match officials is unacceptable,” blathered a suit.
Russia’s deputy PM says builders could do with getting a wriggle on at Ethics World Cup stadiums. “There are certain delays on various facilities, but the overall situation is under control and we aren’t too worried by it,” wibbled Vitaly Mutko.
Uruguayan players will return to action next weekend after almost two weeks on strike over image rights payments. “The conflict is not over, much less our fight,” roared a union suit, presumably wearing a beret with a single star stitched into it.
Wycombe boss Gareth Ainsworth, 74, has picked himself in the squad for Tuesday’s Freight Rover Trophy clash with Swindon. “We’ve had a busy October and we need to make sure we don’t overwork the boys, so there may be a few changes,” he tooted. “If it means that I need to pull the boots on again then so be it.”

And 26 days after being appointed as Solihull Moors boss to help “balance my home life whilst I relish the challenge”, Richard Money has thrown himself through the National League whipping boys’ door marked Do One because he could not “fully commit to the club’s future”.
It’s the David Squires Halloween special, taking you to an even darker place than Weird Uncle Fiver’s local. Dare you enter?
Sign up and receive the best of Big Website’s coverage, every Friday, it says here. Seems to be a curious lack of mentions for The Fiver …
Altrincham fan Jacqui Forster, who founded Women at The Game, is having treatment for terminal cancer but is determined to dedicate her life to getting more women to attend matches, she tells Suzanne Wrack.
It’s Marcus Rashford’s 20th birthday – but instead of sending him a card Jamie Jackson wrote a thesis on how the Manchester United tyro became a superstar.
Do you remember when Real Madrid came to White Hart Lanes in 1985 as Euro Vase underdogs and Tottenham Spursed it up? Steven Pye does.

You want a retro Still Want More? OK then. Samuel Eto’o meets Small Talk and is singularly unimpressed.
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SOURCE : GUARDIAN SPORTS
posted by CAMPUS94