The Fiver | High-fiving over the sobbing form of Sweden manager Jan Andersson

Craig Shakespeare has been bundled aboard the good ship Do One by Leicester City after only four months in charge. Which makes one of these a real collector’s item.
After the battering they’d just been subjected to by Storm Ophelia, the citizens of Ireland woke up hoping for some respite from the gods today. The violent hurricane wreaked no end of havoc, bringing both the Republic O’Ireland and Norn Iron to a standstill and both sides of the border duly ground to another halt at lunchtime as supporters of both teams tuned in to the draw for Russia 2018’s European play-offs.
Faced with the prospect of having to take on seeded sides Switzerland, Croatia, Denmark or Italy, both the Republic O’Ireland and Norn Iron had one main objective – the avoidance of Italy, who probably aren’t actually the best team in the draw but whose innate “Italyness” means that when it comes to qualifying for the World Cup finals they will Always Find A Way. The ones they all didn’t want were eventually foisted upon Sweden, whose representative in Zurich is still shoulder-deep in the official Fifa tombola, on the off-chance there might be another ball in there boasting the name of a team they might actually have a chance of beating.
But back to the Irelands, both of whom ended up delighted with their respective draws. O’Ireland got Denmark and will play their second leg at home, while Norn Iron will travel to Switzerland with their qualification on the line after a first leg at Fortress Windsor Park. And while neither team could have asked for easier opponents, we can only assume their rapture was nothing compared to that of their opponents.

“It was interesting to be the first team out,” mused Norn Iron manager Michael O’Neill, high-fiving his near-namesake and O’Ireland gaffer Martin over the sobbing form of Sweden manager Jan Andersson. “Switzerland have had a great qualifying campaign: nine wins, one defeat. We’ve only lost one competitive game in Belfast in four years, which was against Germany, so we intend to make it a very difficult night against Switzerland.” In the draw nobody is talking about, incidentally, Croatia were paired with Greece.
Meanwhile, in the O’Ireland camp, as various fans fell over each other in the stampede to book their flights to Russia, The Fiver’s famously pragmatic, knobbly stick-waving, green felt hat-wearing Irish cousin, Theme Pub O’Fiver, could be seen shaking his head sorrowfully, while whispering in the ear of the pig under his arm. “Be de hokey, dem Danes will be no pushover,” he murmured. “Dem toora-looing eejits seem to have forgotten dey have one of de very best players in de world. And as well as dat Nicklas Bendtner fella, dey also have Christian Eriksen.” For the Irelands, it’s the calm before another storm.

Play-off draw: Norn Iron v Switzerland, Croatia v Greece, Denmark v Rep O’Ireland, Sweden to lose against Italy. First legs to be played on 9-11 November and second legs to be played on 12-14 November.

Follow Real Madrid 2-1 Tottenham with Barry Glendenning, Manchester City 4-2 Napoli with Jacob Steinberg and Maribor 0-2 Liverpool with Simon Burnton at 7.45pm (UK time).
“The pig is Palmeiras’s symbol. And the pig is alive like me. I live to root for Palmeiras. Long live the pig! It’s the first time he comes to the stadium with me. I’ll name him Bacanao. Bacanao! Yahoo!!!” – farmer Lucio Nunes gives a calm and collected reason as to why he brought a live pig to Saturday’s Palmeiras v Atlético Goianiense match.
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“Monday night football is great/The start of the week that I hate/Is lifted up high/By those nice chaps at Sky/Placing hope right back on my plate … Soon enough, though, the truth becomes clear/The teams to compete sour my beer/I may sound quite foolish but when watching Pulis/Ninety minutes can seem like a year” – Marten Allen.

“After reading yesterday’s Quote of the Day I must say I am now almost compelled to purchase Shay Given’s autobiography if anything, just to inform myself on how it is at all possible that a manager who, Shay states, fell out with the players, the back-up staff, the physios, the kitman, the press officers, the canteen workers, the car park lads and (presumably) his own reflection, can actually still find time to drag a hugely underachieving football club to win their first league title in 44 years” – Flavio L’Abbate.
“So Shay Given has joined the line of footballers (OK, I can only think of Tony Adams) who have dished the dirt on their former bosses. In the case of Given, Roberto Mancini is the target, saying that he fell out with almost everybody at Citeh. There are many who may think that this sort of behaviour is rather bad form. However, for me, the worst thing that Given wrote was pairing the preposition ‘to’ with ‘differently’. Some things are just unforgivable” – Robert Darby.
“Surely this, from Sunday’s Said and Done, should have made it as Quote of the Day for whichever day it was from: ‘Australian sauce firm MasterFoods, reacting after their BBQ Sauce bottle mascot made ‘one-finger gestures’ at Newcastle Jets fans who taunted him. “The behaviour of the BBQ Sauce bottle is not reflective of the family friendly MasterFoods way”’ – Wai Ming Loh.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is …Marten Allen.
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Mike Ashley has popped his head out from fireplace-based negotiations over the sale of Newcastle to say he’ll only flog the club to somebody who will fail to follow his example and invest heavily in new players.
Shrew/Shrow/Shrooo/sbury Town fans have cobbled together £65,000 to ensure they can stand at matches rather than sit comfortably. “We hope to have supporters watching home games from the safe-standing area before the end of the season,” cheered chief suit Brian Caldwell.
Mauricio Pochettino reckons Harry Kane could emulate Francesco Totti and remain a one-club man. “Harry was so emotional when he saw the last game of Totti,” sobbed the Spurs boss.
Antonio Conte has suggested Michy Batshuayi can get back to carving out those buttock-shaped divots on the Chelsea bench after hinting Álvaro Morata will be fit to face Roma in their Big Cup match on Wednesday. “Álvaro is in contention for tomorrow’s game,” he parped.
And Kenny Miller’s Mr 10%, Dave Baldwin, has sent each of his toys out of his pram in a perfect parabolic arc after complaining about his client being frozen out. “If [Pope’s Newc O’Rangers] have a ‘leak,’ ‘rat’ or a ‘traitor’ in the ranks then they should say who it is and deal with it rather than leave one man hung out to dry!!!,” he growled on social media disgrace Instachat. “To make those accusations and then leave Kenny out of the squad and not say a word is embarrassing and then do it again! Looks pretty obvious to me where the leaks come from.”
Sign up and receive the best of Big Website’s coverage, every Friday, it says here. Seems to be a curious lack of mentions for The Fiver …
David Squires on … the thrilling return of the Premier League after the international break.
Nick Ames gives Dries Mertens an encouraging pat on the head. Why? Because he’s Napoli’s street dog striker who has his sights set on Manchester City.
Norway’s historic pay deal for their women’s team shows it can be done, cheers Suzanne Wrack.
Greg Clarke’s extraordinary response to the Eni Aluko allegations puts Greg Clarke in the line of fire, writes Daniel Taylor.
How Croatia, Italy and Ireland fared in Europe’s first World Cup play-offs in 1997. Richard Foster uses this piece as a ruse to make The Fiver feel old.
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SOURCE : GUARDIAN SPORTS
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