The Fiver | Never mind the carbon footprint, just feel the logic

In keeping with their official club Environmental Policy Statement, which promises to “minimise significant environmental impacts” and “strive to avoid polluting land, air or water”, Manchester United’s players and staff boarded a private jet at 9.30am to make the short hop to the south coast of Wales, where they will play Swansea City in Fizzy Caffeine Drink Cup tonight.
Never mind the carbon footprint, just feel the logic – if United’s players had gone on that bus their manager is so fond of parking, the journey would have taken more than four hours. Going as the crow flies, it took 45 minutes. Well, 45 minutes plus whatever time they spent getting to and hanging around Manchester airport waiting for the inevitable latecomer. Plus the other minutes they spent getting from Swansea airport to wherever it is in Swansea they are currently killing the seven or eight hours before making their way to the ground … on a team coach The Fiver can only speculate was driven down sans passengers to meet and greet the jet-lagged players in Wales. And to think some cynics say footballers are pampered, eh? Still, at least Luke Shaw is getting to feel like one again, so it can’t be all bad.

United’s match against Swansea is just one of six Fizzy Caffeine Drink Cup matches on Tuesday, but is the only one in which two Premier League sides have been pitted against each other. Bournemouth, Arsenal, Leicester and Manchester City all face potential banana skins against lower league opposition, while Crystal Palace could cause an upset at Bristol City, where their manager Mr Roy spent four months in charge back in 1982. “You do not suddenly have a change of management and that manager says one or two magic words and all the problems that have beset the club over recent months disappear,” said Master Roy back then, demonstrating that the more things change the more they stay the same. “It is important that I and the players put the blinkers on and concentrate on the football side to get some results.”

While the quality of football on show in this season’s Fizzy Caffeine Drink Cup has been patchy to say the least, the draws for each round have been consistently entertaining and have prompted much ridicule. Loud has been the laughter at tombola spins in which Charlton were listed in two different fixtures and John Salako struggled to tell the difference between “home” and “away”. Then there was that one only insomniacs got to see because it took place in Beijing.

Now the Football League has decided it’s time the laughter stopped and are so determined that Thursday’s quarter-final draw be conducted in an air of yuk-free solemnity that they’ve called on two of unfunny sports quiz show A Question of Sport’s finest to help them out. Matt Dawson and Phil Tufnell are the “British Sporting Royalty” tasked with pairing the eight remaining sides once Wednesday’s remaining ties have been settled. Expect no end of lame gags about the balls in the drum not being oval or seamy enough, on an event that will be exclusively broadcast on social media disgrace Twitter.

No, really. “It’s the first time a major cup draw in the UK has been broadcast exclusively live on the social media network and presents us with a rare opportunity to engage with a global fan base alongside being able to continue the debate immediately after the ties are determined,” said EFL chief suit Shaun Harvey. English football fans “debating” on social media in front of a global audience – what could possibly go wrong?

Join Barry Glendenning for lukewarm MBM coverage of Swansea 1-2 Man Utd in the Milk Cup.
“It’s a reflection of Yorkshire’s strong leaning towards devolution at the moment; a way of bringing the feeling of the debate to the man or woman on the street. Giving them an outlet for their pride in Yorkshire” – Halifax native Philip Hegarty announces Yorkshire’s latest bid to sever itself from the rest of England: its own international football team, with potential fixtures against international footballing hotbeds Tibet and Greenland.
The perils of backspin on penalties.
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“Stone the crows! You give some drongo called Chris White the prizeless letter o’the day and he can’t even get his basic fact right. The Socceroos qualified for the World Cup in 1974. Flamin’ four years after the supposed curse in 1970, not 32 years; and the next one available!” – Ron Cameron (and 1,056 others).
“Is it me or is every football club now doing everything they can to make sure the decision to fire their manager is made just too late for Football Weekly? Do the Premier League really dislike Max Rushden or were they just Football Italia fans who spent an inordinate amount of the 1990s watching a (semi-bald) bloke holding up a pink newspaper you couldn’t read whilst waiting for his gelato to melt?” – Noble Francis.
“Ronald Koeman, yeah well he didn’t do that well for my club – but I quite liked his low-whinge ratio” – Paul Watson (in a little royal blue corner of Salford ).
“Re: ‘Ronald Koeman’s doomed Captain Ahab-like pursuit of Olivier Giroud …. has left Everton 18th in the table with nothing resembling a pacy striker’ (Monday’s Fiver). There are only two things wrong with that sentence, and one of them is that Ahab actually found the whale” – Charles Antaki.
“A moment of respect for Arsène? During the many years of Wenger Out banners/planes/tattoos, our fine French friend outlasted Moyes Out, Mourinho Out (twice), Pards Out (multi), Big Sam Out (ditto), Juande Ramos-AVB-Gillet Tim Out (ahhh, Spursy memories), and now Koeman Out. If we think of Arsène as a cat with nine lives, is he still thriving with two or three lives left?” – Mike Wilner.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Noble Francis.
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In a victory for the little man, the Premier League’s so-called big six have been forced to accept defeat in their battle for a bigger share of £1bn of overseas TV revenue.
Titfermongers’ profits in the Merseyside area have soared after David Unsworth, Philip Neville, Ryan Giggs, Uncle Tom Cobley, Giles and Maureen (a nice couple from Surrey who just got swept up in it) rushed to buy hats they could lob into the ring around the vacant Everton managerial job.
Lieke Martens and Him were named Fifa men and women’s players of the year in a popularity competition that people appear to be taking seriously, though not quite as seriously as the Ballon d’Or. “I’m 32 and have won best player in the world and I’m so glad. I don’t know what’s going to happen in the next year. I just try to focus on the moment,” He blathered.
Real Madrid chief suit Florentino Pérez has said he has not had a single thought about signing Harry Kane, none whatsoever, no sir, yet he has somehow managed to value the striker at €250m while not thinking about a deal. “I haven’t thought about signing Kane. We are happy with [Karim] Benzema and the rest of the team,” he parped as his underpants spontaneously burst into flames.
Leicester will not approach the court of arbitration for sport over their Adrien Silva transfer-knack, possibly because he’s likely to be eligible to play by the time they get it heard. “It has been made clear to us that Fifa will not support an expedited process, forcing the club to reluctantly accept the single-judge ruling of Fifa’s players’ status committee,” hissed a spokesman through tightly clenched teeth.
And a section of Anne Frank’s diary will be read aloud before all Italian league matches this week in response to recent episodes of anti-semitism from some right pieces of work, the Italian Football Federation has announced.
Football Weekly Live is back, baby. Get your tickets now for our show on 14 December in London. And in the meantime, you can listen to the latest pod too.
Floating football brain in a jar Jonathan Wilson invents a new word, “post-Cruyffians”, and explains how being one hasn’t been much use for the likes of Ronald Koeman and Frank De Boer.
Lawrence Ostlere tells the story of 10-year-old Italian-American sensation Alessandro Cupini – who wasn’t even born when The Fiver was already a tired pastiche of itself – and how use of dual-nationality rules helped him land a deal with Roma.
Bristol City’s Iceland international Hordor Magnusson is looking forward to crossing swords again with Mr Roy when Crystal Palace visit Ashton Gate for their Milk Cup tie. Magnusson gets his amenable chat on with Ben Fisher.
Suzanne Wrack’s latest women’s football blog looks at the parallels between Eni Aluko and Colin Kaepernick as speakers of truth to power.
Norwich boss Daniel Farke says taking the gig at Carrow Road was “the most interesting task I have had” in this red-hot chat with Paul Doyle before his team face Arsenal in the Fizzy Cup.

Like the idea of Giggsy in the Goodison hotseat? Today’s Rumour Mill does.

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SOURCE : GUARDIAN SPORTS
posted by CAMPUS94