The Fiver | Turning up at Shortbread McFiver's house armed with a tape measure

The Fiver has a busted nose and a black eye. Don’t feel too sorry for it, though. Let’s be honest, it should have known better than to turn up at Shortbread McFiver’s house armed with a tape measure earlier today, wearing the kind of smug grin that in retrospect probably did invite the angry response it received. For all the Fiver’s protests that it had only made the journey for scientific reasons, it probably should have allowed its Scottish cousin to go through the grieving process in full before trying to put Professor Strachan’s theories about genetics to the test. It completely forgot that emotions would still be raw in the Shortbread McFiver household, given that it was less than 24 hours since Scotland’s adorable little munchkins discovered that they were too short to be let on the World Cup ride. One to revisit at a later date, then. Once the Fiver can see out of both eyes again.
You can’t take issue with the journalistic endeavour, mind you, bearing in mind that everyone’s gripped by Professor Strachan responding to Scotland’s calamitous Sunday night in Slovenia by moaning about the misfortune of having to qualify for the World Cup with a load of short@rses who might as well give up football, paint their skin orange, dye their hair green and find work in the big chocolate factory down the road. “Technically we’re fine,” Strachan wailed. “But our guys have to work harder to get on the ball than bigger lads at six-foot three. What I do know is that genetically we are behind. In the last campaign we were the second smallest squad behind Spain.”
While Spain are similarly held back by their chronic height disadvantage, the professor’s frustration stemmed from the rank set-piece defending that resulted in Scotland chucking away the half-time lead that would have earned them a play-off spot at Slovakia’s expense in Group F and he continued along the same theme by noting: “genetically we have to work at things”. It was at this point that the Fiver started to hope the professor was about to reveal that he’d spent the night before the game watching Honey, I Shrunk the Kids for research purposes and had hit upon the idea of saving Scottish fitba by inventing a ray gun that can turn average-sized humans into hulking giants, but instead it all got a bit weird. “Maybe we get big women and men together and see what we can do,” he said. Maybe, Gordon! Or perhaps the Scottish FA could make it compulsory for young footballers to spend at least 12 hours a day hanging upside down, for patriotism.
The professor’s comments have received a mixed review. While it has been acknowledged that size does make a difference in sport, some people have pointed out that Scotland have had plenty of good smaller players in the past, such as Denis Law, Kenny Dalglish and some chap called Wee Gordon, while others have noted that the big players lumbering about at the moment simply are technically lacking, a deficiency that points to broader weaknesses in the coaching and development of Scottish youngsters. Then there’s the possibility that Strachan was trying to steer away focus from his inability to lead Scotland to a first major tournament since 1998. It isn’t his fault that his team picked up one win from their first four qualifiers, that it took him so long to give Leigh Griffiths a game or that he used left-footed Kieran Tierney at right-back. No, it’s about time the Scottish public rises up against the real evil. DNA has got away with it for too long.
Join Simon Burnton from 7.45pm BST for hot MBM coverage of Wales 1-1 Republic of Ireland.
“My dog also barked twice, so that meant I should do it” – Jupp Heynckes reveals that a chat with Cando the German shepherd was the reason he returned to manage Bayern Munich.
DOWNLOAD FOOTBALL WEEKLY NOW! DOWNLOAD FOOTBALL WEEKLY NOW! DOWNLOAD FOOTBALL WEEKLY NOW! DOWNLOAD FOOTBALL WEEKLY NOW! DOWNLOAD FOOTBALL WEEKLY NOW! DOWNLOAD FOOTBALL WEEKLY NOW! DOWNLOAD FOOTBALL WEEKLY NOW! DOWNLOAD FOOTBALL WEEKLY NOW!DOWNLOAD FOOTBALL WEEKLY NOW! DOWNLOAD FOOTBALL WEEKLY NOW!
Producing the Guardian’s thoughtful, in-depth journalism – the stuff not normally found in this email, obviously – is expensive, but supporting us isn’t. If you value our journalism, please support us by making a one-off or recurring contribution.
“Watched both England matches and at 87 minutes into the Lithuania match, as they were trying to choose man of the match, taking into account this game and last Thursday’s game, I’d say it’s probably me. I’ve done a good job overall, kept my snoozing to a minimum and stayed in both games when dullness and awful tedium have sent many to the kettle and more often, to another channel. Overall I’m pleased with the result, one game at a time and tomorrow’s another day. I’m off for a well-earned shower, I can’t seem to get clean, pass the bleach” – Marten Allen.
“Wee Gordon said: ‘We have to fight harder for every ball and jump higher because it is easier for these type of (Slovenian) guys’ in his comments about genetics. Having read that the record leap for a Scottish salmon is 3.7 metres I can only presume that the bright pink kits that Scotland were made to wear in the qualifiers was an attempt to inspire the Scottish team to greater heights? ‘Tis a pity then that they proved to be as useful as the tinned variety in that department” – Morgan.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Marten Allen.
N’Golo Kanté is likely to miss Chelsea’s trip to Crystal Palace on Saturday with international duty hamstring twang.
NAL WEEK ... WHAT PASSES FOR BREAKING ON THE SKY SPORTS TICKER OF DOOM ON INTERNATIONAL WEEK … Burnley goalkeeper Nick Pope signs new three-year deal ... WHAT PASSES FOR BREAKING ON THE SKY SPORTS TICKER OF DOOM ON INTERNATIONAL WEEK … WHAT PASSES FO …
Republic of Ireland’s Shane Long will miss tonight’s do-or-die qualifier against Wales with hip knack.
For reasons known only to themselves, Fifa have released the first half of their 30-man Ballon d’Or shortlist: Philippe Coutinho (Liverpool), Kevin De Bruyne (Manchester City), David de Gea (Manchester United), Paulo Dybala (Juventus), Edin Dzeko (Roma), Harry Kane (Tottenham), N’Golo Kanté (Chelsea), Overrated Number Ten van der Fiver (Club Brugge), Robert Lewandowski (Bayern Munich), Marcelo (Real Madrid), Dries Mertens (Napoli), Luka Modric (Real Madrid), Neymar (PSG), Jan Oblak (Atlético Madrid), Sergio Ramos (Real Madrid), Luis Suárez (Barcelona).
Sign up and receive the best of Big Website’s coverage, every Friday, it says here. Seems to be a curious lack of mentions for The Fiver …
Scotland’s World Cup qualifying failure had Wee Gordon bemoaning the country’s curious lack of desire to selectively breed a super-race of genetically superior claymore-wielding UltraScots. Ewan Murray sets him straight.
Katie Zelam has followed the path trodden by Danny Dichio, Jay Bothroyd and Franz Carr and swapped the English top flight for Serie A. Paolo Bandini hears her story.
Joel Tivemo reports on the remarkable rise of Dalkurd: a Kurdish club on the verge of the Swedish top flight.
Miserable, monotonous, the novelty long since gone and at times downright bleak yet still the best of the alternatives. But enough about the Fiver. Here’s an article about supporting Swansea.

Will Winks get the nod? Will Trippier make the the trip? Will Jack Butland’s b… [That’s enough of that – Fiver Ed.] Jamie Jackson runs the rule over the contenders hoping to make England’s World Cup squad.
Coventry City’s young side are showing some pluck but matters off the field remain horribly uncertain, writes Ben Fisher.

Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!


SOURCE : GUARDIAN SPORTS
posted by CAMPUS94