The Fiver | Wrestling with the abstract concept of hope, which nearly always wins

A win for England against Slovenia on Thursday night will guarant … actually, you know what, we really cannot be bothered any more. Let’s shelve the celebratory pretence, we all know how it’s going to pan out. They’ll qualify for the 2018 World Cup in Russia one way or another, almost certainly stifling a yawn, Harry Kane will spend the next seven months breaking the combined career goalscoring records of Lionel Messi, Gerd Müller and Pelé before one of his metatarsals turns to powder, the team will subsequently fail to progress from a group containing Switzerland, Iran and Basingstoke Town, and Mr Roy will seize the opportunity to retrospectively argue that the Iceland result wasn’t so bad when you look at it now, I didn’t have time to implement the methods that have translated from Halmstads to Malmo to Orebro to Neuchatel Xamax, you don’t get the opportunity to sail up the Seine every day, and while we’re on the subject the reason Palace didn’t do a goal all season was the fault of Frank de Boer, Attilio Lombardo, Malcolm Allison and that winger Pards signed from Wolves.
You see if The Fiver’s wrong about this. Our sympathy goes out to Harry.
At least Scotland are quite interesting, on account of their being the only shower from these isles yet to qualify for a major tournament in the third millennium. If they beat Slovakia at Hampden, their chances of securing a play-off place stay alive. However, there are big problems. First up, the influential Queen’s Celtic pair of Scott Brown and Stuart Armstrong are missing through knack. Slovakia, by comparison, can call on their main man Marek Hamsik, who has declared himself fit. And perhaps most worryingly of all for the Scots, they’ll be wrestling with the abstract concept of hope, which nearly always wins. Scotland have earned 10 points from their last 12 in Group Eff, indeed they’d have a full house from the last four matches had Kane not ruined that really good Leigh Griffiths story. But all those points were harvested when their dreams were a mere speck in the distance. Now they’re right up in Scotland’s grille. You know how this grapple usually pans out. Oh dear.
The other big match tonight involves Norn Iron 1-0, who welcome Germany to Windsor Park. On the face of it, this should be something of a mismatch, on account of the Germans beating them recently at Euro 2016, then in their home Group C qualifier in Hanover last October. There’s also the small matter of Germany being the reigning world champions, and the fact they’ve never lost an away World Cup qualifier ever, which is some statistic. But Joachim Löw’s team did taste defeat in a Euro qualifier the last time they visited the island, to the Republic in Dublin in 2015, and so Michael O’Neill will fancy his side’s chances of repeating the trick north of the Brexit Negotiations Derailment Line.
“We’re not going to come in and suddenly have 60% of the ball, there’s no point preparing as if we are,” admits O’Neill. “We know the areas where we believe we can hurt Germany. It will need a massive performance and some fine individual moments to win the game.” If Norn Iron 1-0 pull this off, a play-off place, already pretty much certain, will be absolutely guaranteed, and they’d even have an outside chance of winning the group. It’d certainly be a result for the ages, a memory right up there with the time they sensationally beat Italy to a place at the 1958 World Cup. Meanwhile, if England see off Slovenia and make it to Russia, we can file that one alongside the rest of their many romantic qualification stories, like the time they drew 1-1 with Poland, or that time they drew 0-0 with Poland.
Join Jacob Steinberg from 7.45pm BST for hot MBM coverage of England 1-0 Slovenia, while Scott Murray will be on hand for Scotland 2-2 Slovakia.
“Politics is a drag, but why shouldn’t I express myself” – Gerard Piqué eloquently talks to Sid Lowe and co as he comes to terms with the fall-out from expressing an actual opinion on the tumult in Catalonia.
“Friends always take the mick out of me when it says ‘Edwards has come in to replace Bale’. What a letdown when you see that come across Sky Sports News” – Dave Edwards on stepping into some big shoes for Wales’s crunch game in Georgia.
Sixty of the best young footballers in the world, who weren’t even born when The Fiver began – it’s our Next Generation class of 2017. And see if our 2016, 2015 and 2014 picks were actually any good or not by checking on their progress here.
Football Weekly Extra will be all up in your ears … shortly.
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“I can’t work out whether The Fiver is being generous or foolish when offering its last bronze centimes to football club owners (yesterday’s Fiver). When France joined the Euro some 15 years ago, the centime coin was made of stainless steel. Bronze stopped being the sole component of coins in France sometime in the early 20th century. It follows therefore that the last bronze centimes in your pockets might have rarity value and so might actually be worth something” – John Stainton.
“You’re being harsh on Harry Kane (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs). Clearly what he meant about being excited to walk out at Wembley was that it’s going to be different to how it is for Spurs. This time it’s going to be as the best player on a team with a great tradition, in that great white shirt, under the weight of expectation of an unrealistic fanbase. A team whose best days were and will always be the 1960s and who flatter to deceive at every turn before coming up short, sometimes far from success, occasionally closer but still short … oh. Right. As you were” – Sam Carpenter.
“Your story about the Ekaterinburg Arena (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs) reminded me of another novel solution to increase capacity. Heart of Midlothian FC realised that their dream of building the biggest football stadium in Edinburgh would be impossible if they had to incorporate hospitality suites in their new main stand too. So they have simply tacked the hospitality on to the back of the stand, in a faithful homage to 1960s office blocks. This leaves more room for seats inside the ground. It also means their most important guests won’t have to watch the football, the lucky gits. Oh, but it still won’t be the biggest football stadium in Edinburgh” – James Atkinson.
“Re: the misery for fans of international break (yesterday’s Fiver letters). To paraphrase Occam’s razor and answer Nigel Assam’s query, sometimes the simplest portmanteau is best. Thus: interknack” – Michael Hatcher.
“Fortnight-ouch?” – Paul Jordan.
“Is ‘international-break!’ too obvious?” – Mike Heys.
“I’m a Norn Iron 1-0 fan and also follow Everton. I love international breaks (even if Germany do tank us later)” – Neil Irwin.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Sam Carpenter.
Omar Al Soma tucked home a late penalty as Syria recovered for a flamin’ 1-1 draw against Australia in the first leg of their World Cup qualifying play-off.
Jupp Heynckes is set to take over as Bayern Munich manager for a fourth time. “Nothing has been finalised,” he negotiated. “I still have to analyse everything because it has been four and a half years since I last worked for Bayern and football has changed since then.”
Chelsea got the better of Bayern 1-0 in their Women’s Big Cup last-32 first leg, while Manchester City stuck three past SKN St Polten without reply.
Newcastle United are under investigation over alleged “extensive” tax evasion on player transfers, court papers have shown.
Mansfield Town boss Steve Evans is keeping focused on the Stags after they rejected an approach from Gillingham. “I’m very content in my private and business life,” he whooped.
And Southport FC are closing in on a new manager of their own. “As well as receiving applications from all over the UK, we received CVs from [the USA! USA!! USA!!!], Brazil, Portugal, Argentina, Spain, Italy, India and Bulgaria,” parped a board spokesman. “This is the most important appointment in recent history.”
Sign up and receive the best of Big Website’s coverage, every Friday, it says here. Seems to be a curious lack of mentions for The Fiver …
“Creepy” hairdryers, suspect decor and, apparently, “the epitome of French finesse and art de vivre”: these are just some of the delights awaiting England at their hubris-packed hotel booking for Russia 2018. Let Daniel Taylor be your tour guide.
Argentina and Holland at risk, a tasty set-to between Wales and O’Ireland, a second chance for Senegal and Neil Warnock getting in a bit of a strop – these are just some of the 10 things to look forward to from the coming World Cup qualifiers.
Peru are within shouting distance of their first World Cup finals since 1982. Footballing brain in a jar Jonathan Wilson tells us all about the coach who has got them this far, Ricardo Gareca.
If England are to seal qualification, they’ll have to find a way past the not-inconsiderable obstacle of Atlético Madrid’s Jan Oblak in Slovenia’s goal. Ed Aarons profiles La Liga’s most expensive goalkeeper.
Here’s Barry Glendenning on the planned Super Sleigh Bell Sunday before Christmas: “The clubs, despite their predictable carping, can have no complaints as they are lying in a cash-strewn bed of their own making.”
Yay for the rich getting richer … is not the viewpoint taken by Barney Ronay on another TV rights spat.
Liam Rosenior’s latest column is on football’s school of hard knocks: lower-league opposition.
And Dileep Premachandran reports from India on the eve of the U-17 World Cup.
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SOURCE : GUARDIAN SPORTS
posted by CAMPUS94